2020 Smith, Lynn Rilean
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Today creativity consumes my anxiety and that is the utmost WIN.
I didn’t always know how to apply it in healthy ways. Some of us “ARE” just those people.
My best friend was fabulous and disgusting. She was cheap, and beautiful. She was a liar but I loved her. Talk about a relationship that is doomed from the get go.
How do I leave her behind?
She is evil, and only brings me poison, pain and problems.
So much easier said than done once she has her fangs deep in your artery fueling your brain and blood.
I heard many cries from loved ones.
Please STOP. Please get help. Please don’t call me again until you get better because my heart is breaking for you. Please understand I have to love you from a distance.
Please ~Please ~Please ~ QUIT DRINKING.
It’s okay. It happens. Hang in there. I need you and someone else does too. She isn’t worthy of your life. She is a disease. That is a gentle, soft, direct, honest, subtle approach.
It’s not okay. You’re stuck in your addiction and this is a message of hope that you can grab the hand of other’s who have been stuck before and let them give you a tug out of the sickness and asshole of ego. That bitch is going to kill you. There’s the not so gentle, not so subtle, yet very honest approach.
I wrote this entry below when we were early in our new life living with the RONA. Businesses, families, life as we knew it~ PARALYZED and DYING.
The last time life got bumpy I tried drinking Bacardi, with mass fail. That ride ended on September 11th, 2018. approximately at 10:00 pm. That day is a blur, but around 2:00 pm the next day I had a decision to make. My family or feeding my fear.
Damn it. I love the effects of alcohol that I get from that first sip. Alcohol. You Bastard. You lied to me.
It pisses me off it comes down to a choice of good or evil, but for me it’s bad no matter how I start out or how hard I try to manage it and make it doable.
I like to give credit where credit is due. This time it goes out to many. I heard my family. I heard my friends. I heard my son’s and I heard the little girl inside of me who could predict her own future say to me, if you don’t stop you will end up cremated like the loved ones you have lost.
So change came, and it came stronger than ever. Bolder than ever, and it happened with me scared to death.
This time I used multiple things to redirect my anxiety. I write short stories. I read books and magazine’s. Journaling has became my priority. Studying to learn something new daily. Photography took me traveling. My backyard became a Haven. My family became my life support. My words became my medicine, and my medicine became my healing.
I hope you enjoy this two in one blog entry.
I Love You and I’m Grateful for You ALL today.
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Alexa Add Stress Balls
2020 Smith, Lynn Rilean
Those who know me, know when I am the most anxious, I am also the most creative.
Like Barney sings. I love you, you love me. We’re a happy family. 👨👩👦👦👨👩👧👦👩👩👧👨👩👦👦👩👩👦👦
🤷♀️ ya with me here?
My mind is over flowing on a regular basis day and night, with some nights longer than others.
The 3 A’s of my life today.
Awareness, Awwwwwwwww, and Amazing.
Do you pray they ask? Pray? 🙏🏻
Ofcourse I do.
Okay keep doing that, they say.
Do you journal? Journal📓? 🤷♀️ I shrug.
You know, use it as your outlet. 📣
My outlet? 🤷♀️
I’m fine. I got this. I am strong 💪.
Are you sure, they ask? 🧐
UM ? HMMMMM ? 🧐
Okay today is a little tougher. I say.
Tougher?, doubtful of my answer. 🧐🤷♀️
Can you elaborate?
Hoping I will answer honestly. 🤦♀️
OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY
Part of today just sucked. 🥴🤦♀️
Today I have 🙏🏻’d.
Today I have 🧘🏼. In with 😀 out with 😡.
Today I have 😭.
Today I have 👂and 🗣.
Today I have felt 🤢.
So yeah today has been busy.
Today I have been ~ (an emotional smorgasbord). 😀😡🤗🥱😴😬🤫😓 😤😰🥺🧐😜.
Today I have BEEN a bunch of stuff.
Maybe your today has BEEN a lot of things too. 🤷♀️
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
I have NOT for one second been without the key🗝 to my hearts ❤️’s strength💪, or the key🗝 to my minds 🧠’s strength 💪 and most importantly, I have not been without the key🗝 to my healing strength🩺💪….
Today NOT ONCE, well maybe once.
Okay dang it.
Oh my gosh !!!!
Maybe 3 times.
Maybe 3 times I almost lost my faith✝️ today because some days just, well, somethings and somedays just suck.
But I didn’t lose my faith ✝️.
Okay in all fairness, almost, yes.
What matters is I didn’t.
I prayed with you that pray.
I even prayed for you that don’t.
I leaned on you.
I called you. I ran errands for you. I showered for you. ( well that was mainly for me, but I am sure you appreciated it.)
Not one time though did I stop believing in happiness, kindness, love, faith & hope😊😌☺️🥰😘😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ even if I just clung to it all by the very last thread.
I held onto it.
So tightly sometimes I leave my fingernails in the palm of my hand but by golly I am holding on.
I am grabbing those stress ball toys.
Am I seriously the only one who does this?
I mean stress ball makers are millionaires because why?
You just throw them in a drawer? Ha ~ NOPE not me. People like me love those things.
We have probably tore more of those squishy dang 🏀⚾️⚽️’s into unsquishable piles of mush.
Insert “Alexa add STRESS BALLS to my shopping cart.” here.
There are probably 📆 we have all started to ❓our ✝️.
When it is so 🤯 and 🙃 it can be easy to become driven more by 😨 than by our ✝️.
It just all becomes so confusing, overwhelming and mind blowing. 😳🙃🤯.
Some day’s just suck. 😩
Those days that fear 😨 starts to feel stronger💪 than the faith✝️.
Those are the days I 🙏🏻 more.
I talk🗣 & listen👂to my friends more.
I write🗒✏️ more.
I squeeze 🤜 stress balls 🏀⚽️ more. ( great tool btw )
Today with everything going on in the world 🌍.
I choose to keep my gratitude list in my hand. To remind me and keep in the front row the things that matter most.
To see the many reasons I have to keep my faith ✝️ at the front.
These things are my world. 🌍
They are my family, husband and our 4 sons ( 👨👩👦👦🧍🏻🧍🏽), my relatives, my friends, neighbors and loved ones 👵🏻👩🦱👩🏻🦱👭, My cat’s 😽’s. Yes, my cats.
You love dogs , I love cats.
We don’t have to be a house divided.
Bottom line is we choose to love them.
I have amazing clients that have became like family.
Wow there were many times in the past I couldn’t have seen all of those things. As small of a list that may seem like to some.
That list is my EVERYTHING.
So no matter the size of your list or if for some reason today you just can’t think of anything. Hold on please.
Because it wasn’t long ago, (sometimes feel just like yesterday ) that I too struggled to think of just ONE.
Those are the days you have to let others love you through it.
Those are the days you can say just hug me. No words, no advice, just hug me.
Those are the days I prayed the hardest.
Those are the days my legs were shaking and my heart beat the fastest.
Those are the days though that LOVE conquered all even when it might not have felt like it.
Why do I think that you ask?
Because I am sitting here today, writing this to you.
So just in case you need the reminder, let me say to you.
You are brave.
You are resilient.
You are beautiful.
Today I have said and done many things.
2020 Smith, Lynn Rilean
Alexa Add Stress balls